It’s been a while; An update on me

I don’t write as much as I should and I know it’s been about a year since I’ve even looked at my blog.

• Now I am 18, I’m starting college in a week (pre medicine)

• my grandma passed away 4 months after my cancer post

• I have found love and it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced

• I have many new nieces and nephews and I love them all

• I have a new more reliable phone so I’ll be able to post more

• all of my poems were accidentally deleted when I got a new phone

• this past year or so has been one heck of a roller coaster but I wouldn’t change a thing.

thats all for now see ya

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I am back

Wow its been a while since I have written anything. mostly because my tablet broke and I just have not been in a writing mood. I know that sounds crazy but its true.

 Will post something soon I hope. 

poem 2

Well you see

It’s not just me

It’s the way you gasp

like I am the only air you breath

 

It’s like a drug

Giving me this high

I know its wrong

To keep on with this lie

But oh my

 

I never intended to hurt you

But there is something,

Something about the way

You look at me with those sad eyes

After knowing it was all lies

Oh my

It gives me a high

poem1

Usually I can go on

And on

Just about the stars in the sky

Or talking about you and I

 

But now its different

I can’t even say your name

Without it leaving a bitter taste

 

You and me

The couple to be

Oh what happened

Y’all were so cute together

What happened was

You could look into my eyes

And fill my head with lies

 

And now

I can’t fathom

What used to be

A relationship

between you and me

 

 

-I have decided to post some poems that I wrote and many of them do not have names so if you have any name suggestions let me know!

 

 

Defying labels

Everyone talks about how we need to “defy labels” and how “labels do not define us.” Just take a moment to ask yourself who are you without labels? Nothing right? labels are who we are, they are what make us different, what separates us from everyone else.

With labels I am blonde, short, fat, smart, and so many more things. Even great things. Even our names are labels. Without labels I am nothing.

So quit trying to rid the world of labels and embrace them.The good or bad because labels are who you are and there is no shame in that.

purity

001_ROSEAt what point are we no longer pure? Is there a certain age when our eyes are no longer filled with light and curiosity, but instead the brutal realities of what life is?

Do not try and tell me you lose your purity when you have sex because that is the biggest lie if I ever did hear one. It is gone before that. It is gone when our minds are filled with the filth of the media and the (not so whispered) secrets passed along at the “adult” table. When everyone thinks that just because you are in a different room it means there is a magic sound barrier protecting you from all the gossip floating through the air. And maybe purity does end at sex for some but as for me it was gone the first time I heard a swear word, the first time I thought just a taste would be alright, pretending I didn’t see what it turns the ones I love into. The first time I heard momma say something mean about her best friend then pretending she never said a thing.

purity stops the instant our minds our exposed to anything other than nothing be it in the womb or anywhere else.

 All I’m saying is maybe there is no such thing as pure and its all just a matter of time before whatever has corrupted our minds and souls is ready to show.

 

Cancer

I know it’s cliche to write about cancer but it just sucks so much that you need to write about it to get it out of your system.

To answer your question. I do not have cancer (that I know of). My grandmother does and I know when you think of a grandma you think of an old lady who does nothing. Well not mine, my grandma is always running around or working and sometimes you need a leash just to keep up with her. honestly she just doesn’t seem very old.

Well anyways this is her story. On December 19 she was at work in the kitchen at a hospital (thankfully) she was going to put ice in her cup and she couldn’t do it she was very confused and fainted..  It turns out that she was having a seizure. Thankfully her coworkers were there to catch her from hitting the ground. They took her down to the emergency room and they did multiple test and scans and found spots  in her lungs and the back of her head. They first checked her lungs and it was clear they tested her for multiple types of cancer and they were all negative. Finally they decided to schedule a surgery to check out the spot on her head. On January 9 they took her into surgery and found 2 cancerous tumors. They came to the waiting room to tell us that the cancer was already progressed to a 3 if not a 4. They gave her about 3 months to live or 18 months with chemotherapy and radiation.this cancer is not curable the only thing we can do is prolong her life. she started chemo on Tuesday the 2nd

one thing my grandma is known for is her cakes and party decorating skills I have always imagined that she would be the one to decorate and make the cake for my wedding. It wasn’t until the other day that I realized that she will not be able to see me get married and I feel like I have let her down. She wanted me to have a “15” or a sweet 16 so she could “do her thing” but I ended up not having a big party and I told her that I wouldn’t let anyone except her be in charge of what my wedding looks like but I don’t see myself getting married in the next 18 months. 

PS I posted “busy bee” a few days ago but it just now loaded. Oh well.

And sorry for posting about cancer

Busy Bee

From schedule changes to pregnancies to cancer there has just been no pause lately…

I’m pretty sure my schedule has changed three times just this week. Its exhausting also note that I am not good with change so I am feeling a bit emotionally unstable at the moment.

On that note I decided to get out of Spanish 3 considering that I don’t need it and I need to lessen my stress/workload because I have a lot going on and I don’t need unnecessary challenges right now. I feel if I would have waited one day to decide I wouldn’t have done it. I don’t know what’s going on lately I have been very impulsive or rash with my decision making and that’s not me. I’m the girl who edits a status 14 times before even posting it and who cringes at the thought of change.

I know in the beginning I mentioned cancer but I’m not going to talk about that now I’m going to save that for a later post because its getting late and I don’t feel like crying.

and finally the pregnancy… My sister is about to POP and I am so excited to meet my new baby nephew and its all I can think about (except for the cancer thing but like I said I will post later about it).

That’s all for now. Sorry I’m not the best writer but its therapeutic to write it all down and even if its not perfect it helps me clear my head.

A void.

_20160131_222931Do you know that moment when you first wake up? You can’t remember anything, You have no sense of existence. Just numb in a void, and in a split second you are back to normal.

I tend to find myself in that state quite often, numb to everything around me.

I have yet to obtain feelings for another person. Unless you count lust but I don’t think that is as much of a feeling as it is a response to attention. boy I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy attention.

Maybe its because I have a bad habit of hurting people. Not physically but emotionally, like a game. The boys get all worked up giving you all of their attention thinking that they are going to steal your heart but right before they can wrap their head around their own feelings, just cut them off completely. This might make me the worst human being but, oh my, that look they give you when they walk by in the hallway after thinking they were the only one. As i pretend that he has never seen my body bare, that look is the most fulfilling thing. It is in that instant when the void I have is filled… For a split second

So I move on to the next.

The universe telling me not to blog

It’s been awhile.

I know.

The thing is I tried to blog but everything in the world is trying to stop me. First it was because I was sooo busy and stressed it kept me off the site for a bit.

Then, when I FINALLY found the time to write a post, I get the whole thing typed up,

I press post and

the

whole

thing

deletes.

A post about STRESS and it deleted. What could be more stressful than to work hard writing something for it to disappear…

Right, THE THINGS I WROTE ABOUT.

(Yea you are probably thinking “what could she be stressed about she is only 17” but let me tell you stress, by no means is intimidated by age)

Well eventually I will have that post rewritten..

“Post about stressed teen coming soon”